[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
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You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17