gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
You Might Also Like
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.