I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
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My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.