“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
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assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan