Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
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Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
This chloroform smells expensiv…
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC