You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
You Might Also Like
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
A family that plays together cheats.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Lmaoo 😂
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?