My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
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Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I have never related to a cat more
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?