My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
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Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun