There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
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Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.