I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
This could be us… but you playing
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings