Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
You Might Also Like
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?