Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
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Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
[eulogy]
line?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.