I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
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Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Today’s Times
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED