Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
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Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.