I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.