Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
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My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees