I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Dietest Coke
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop