“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
You Might Also Like
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?