“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
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I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Monday
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140