Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Overindulged this afternoon.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.