Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry