“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”