On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
それは草
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe