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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
🤣🤣💀