My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
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I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.