Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
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And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
you will never know the true number of layers
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
nice challenge
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]