DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
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You had me at “define legal”.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
😬
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.