Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there