DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
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[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?