me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
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I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”