I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
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My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.