Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Self-cleaning conscience
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.