If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
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It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
THIS HEADLINE
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs