If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[shakes fist at other fist]
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
🤣✨#caturday
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.