Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.