[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
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That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
🤣🤣🤣
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.