ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Still my favourite meme.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]