I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you