Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
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Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv