Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
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Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.