just gave your address to some spiders
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”