i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
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mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Netflix: We have Less
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
These are my roll models.