me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
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“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what