Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
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[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
describing stardew valley
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.