Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
You Might Also Like
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐