Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
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The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.