Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
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“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary