[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
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Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”