I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
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When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
School be like
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Oh thanks BBC.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Your honor these allegations are
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!