My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
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I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.